Red Marks, Back Fat & A Sweaty Cleavage: 20 Reasons Bras Completely Suck
Wearing a bra was fun when you were 14 because, well, you finally had hooters! Woohoo. But now we're just SO over it. The back fat, the digs, the third boob situation - we've had it with all of them. Here's to being young, free and braless because wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder absolutely sucks.
Boobs are great but bras. Ugh. Where do we start? Sure, they offer us endless support and sometimes they even bless us with a cleavage, but the rest of the time they just plain suck. Here's 20 reasons we'd rather live a braless life.
1. Getting it on
Kudos to you if you can put it straight on without turning it around to look at the hooks.
2. The straps get twisted
Why is it so hard to work out where the kink is coming from? You try your best to straighten them out but that little buckle just twists them right up again.
3. They're a b*tch to care for
Hand wash? Absolutely no chance. We're gonna throw them right on in there with the rest of the load because we'd rather have lumpy tits than be scrubbing in the sink all night long #lifestooshort
4. You don’t own a white or nude bra
Girls don't shop for what they need. They shop for what they want. We need nude bras and we need white bras which is exactly why we don't own any. Something about them repulses us. They're boring, they don't stay the right color for very long and they sure don't make us feel sexy. Lacy, racy boudoir lingerie - we'll always have time for that!
5. Effing sports bras
They do you absolutely no favors. Your nipples are hot, your boobs are as flat as a pancake and your cleavage, well that’s pretty much dissolved in all the sweatiness. Sometimes we even wear a bra under our sports bras just as a reminder that we’ve definitely gone through puberty.
6. They cost a pretty penny
These days you’ll need to save up a week’s pay before you go splurging on balconettes and push-ups. And matching sets? Forget it.
7. Back fat
There’s nothing that makes you feel quite as repulsive as when your cotton top clings to your back fat. That stuff has a mind of its own. There’s nothing to stop it from spilling out under your armpits and forming unnecessary bulges where you least expect them. Not even a lose bra strap and the third hook and eye can save you.
8. Clear bra straps
Absolutely not. Vom. You’d rather any of your straps stick out of your top than wear those fugly things.
9. The adjustments
Bras just don’t stay put throughout the day so you have to tug and pull the cups back over your bangers to keep them contained. Meanwhile, that creepy man in the corner is loving every minute.
10. You never know your true size
You’ve taken the time to go and get measured up but Victoria's Secret doesn’t have any 30Ds so you’ll just buy your 'normal' size. Every. single. time.
11. Boys and bras
They just don’t go together and who can blame them. There’s the hooks, the straps, the padding and before you know it the moment’s ruined. They’ve just had to maneuver your back cleavage.
12. Your dirty little secret
Among all those sexy bras, there’s a worn and torn t-shirt bra that we kinda live in. Pretty much every day. Hey, it's comfy! #ruiningthedream
13.Your friend has to loosen you up
There’s no way you can adjust your straps once you’re fully clothed. Instead you have to stick your top over your head and recruit a strap loosen-er upper.
It's massively overrated. No one explains the part where the stitching comes away and the padding (which was supposed to be inside the bra) is now perching on your shoulder. And no you’re not at home when this happens. You're on the dance floor, aren't you?
15. The dig
As if a back cleavage wasn’t sexy enough, we’ve got to wrestle with red markings and a tender ribcage too.
We know. We were supposed to hand wash them. Instead we have a whole lot of boob texture going on.
17. The effing underwire
Try as you will to poke it back in again, that thing will reappear and stab you.
18. Chicken cutlets
Socks worked fine; why did they have to bring poultry into it? If the fiddly bra business doesn’t kill the romance the chicken cutlets sure will.
19. You do the bra trick
Yeah, this party trick only works with sleeveless tops. Sleeveless.
20. But then we get to take it off...
And it feels better than sex.
Published by Maria Bell